What do you do when you wake up in a funk? I mean a funk where you feel off and agitated? Or, when (let me just be blunt and bold here), you feel just plain old fucking pissed off at the world?
I usually love the mornings. They are a peaceful, quiet time… coffee, protein bar and time with myself. But, lately, I am waking up pissed off at the world and it scares me to death. I am scared of going down the “rabbit hole” – a place I have visited too many times. It is a negative state, a dark cloud – a lonely place that doesn’t sell my favorite yoga pants. It’s where my Hag in the Attic – my bitchy inner critic – lives. And she can drag me down fast!
I’ve been waking up hating everything, crying, proclaiming I am done with my “girls” (Grace is an on-going sick dog). Then it all spirals into thoughts that I’m not a good enough mom / person.
My mouth is fowl – I spew shit out of it I don’t mean. My stomach becomes sick, my jaw is clenched to the nth degree, and my low back is hurting. It is, quite frankly, carrying the weight of the world.
Body/image hate – something I had worked through and am now revisiting – is showing back up. I am stressed out to the max and back. I am convinced I am the only one that ever gets like this.
And… I bring all this onto myself.
What the hell is going on here?
I do know I am off. I know I need to get this out there – get vulnerable and transparent as all hell. Be seen and be heard.
- I start with a Facebook Live. It was a bust with the internet. Great. Just, great.
- I turn to gratitude – writing out what I’m grateful for.
- I sit down and write this blog.
- Then, finally, I decide to BEING OK WHERE I AM. I do not need to be a cheerful cheerleader all the time. I can be off as long I do not travel too far down the rabbit hole.
I let it all go.
OPOs: Other people’s opinions
Here is what is throwing me off: OPOs. Other people opinions and expectations.We are coming into the Fall and I feel like, yet again, Summer has passed me by. I did nothing.
I see all these women that have friends – girlfriend on boats, going up North on girls’ weekends. I don’t have that here in Michigan. My peeps are out of state and, some, out of the country.
Are there too many “summer” expectations? Travel, get out, do this that, but what happens if you don’t? Winter is coming, blah, blah, blah.
How do I realign (not lower) my expectations? How do I change up my conversation? (And, yes, I know this is what I teach. The teacher is always the student too.)
How beautiful and miraculous this actual moment is
I let go of the OPOs and release the shoulds I am placing on myself . It leads me to the comparison road and, O.M.G. – no wonder I am angry at myself! My Hag has me right where she wants me.
It doesn’t completely remove that wet blanket that I feel over me, so I stop everything that has to do with work today. I grab a snack, go to my place that I love with my journal and Papermate markers, count my blessings, and surrender to the tears of overwhelm. An overwhelm of gratitude – for me, for my being, for how beautiful and miraculous this actual moment is.
It doesn’t cure everything, but it slows me down enough so one more step doesn’t go deeper into the rabbit hole.