Have You Lost Faith?
I have lost faith in humanity. Not trust… faith. Writing this is bringing me to tears. Disappointments, lack of trust, uncertainty, and so much more. I AM NOT B.S-ing here! I mean this from the bottom of my heart.
I cannot believe I just typed this. I am told I have so much belief in others and their vision – and I do! Seriously, I really do. However, today that isn’t the case.
Loss of Faith in Humanity
There is so much talking going on, lips are moving, but nothing of substance is being said. It’s all ‘I need this I want this, I will call you, let’s do this,’ however, commitments are constantly dropped, or even worse – they aren’t even started. People are all talk and no intention. So why waste the oxygen? Why add to the noise, just to be noisy? Please explain.
Loss of Faith in Humanity
I have lost faith in myself. I have gone through such a transition this year (at 57 years young), that I have lost faith in me. Hence I lose faith in others. I’m not talking about not keeping commitments because I do and sometimes I need to realign them; I am talking about a loss of faith deep down.
I cannot control anything (no one can); I can just manage. I want out of my skin, I cannot handle my dogs being sick, and quite frankly, I’m tired of sick dogs. I feel like a horrible fur-parent. I watch and listen to others and their surrender to God, and I feel I get nothing.
Loss of Faith in Myself
The Hag in the attic strikes, she comes flying down the stairs because there is an opportunity here. I allow her to fill my head with garbage. The questioning begins, am I good enough? Why am I doing this? How come others receive joy from God, and I don’t? Why do people tell me I am great? Any of this BS sound familiar?
I have people saying to me ‘we are inviting you to this and that,’ only to never reach out to me! So why say it? To fill the air? Well, don’t because I breathe that air and I want it clean. It’s tough enough with all the other pollution out there.
News flash, I DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER! My fence isn’t pure white. I do know that I am still managing my personal Hag, and some days it is a struggle. That Hag places high standards in my head, she plays the recording of cricket sounds on full blast, then when that’s over, she starts with God (which she isn’t – she’s more like the devil). I know He isn’t there; He is busy with others…but she loves to torment me
Again, does this sound familiar?
Where to begin to place her back in the Attic? Well, I wrote this through tears and smiles. I’m going to log off from all my social media noise because this is the Hag’s favorite stomping ground. I’m going to go for a walk, go out to lunch and stay clear of my computer! Oh, and yes, I reached out to my ‘sounding ear,’ Sheila Kennedy.
Will I find faith in myself again? Well, yes, of course, I will, but will it go south again? Well yes, because I am human and nothing is perfect here.
I am learning to love my Hag; I am also learning to be careful not to let her take over like she wants to. More importantly, I am learning to Love myself DAILY and to let go of my expectations of what kind of dog mom I shou
ld be. I am letting go of what I think God is supposed to provide for me (Oh my, the biggest joke here!). I am letting go of the expectations of others because I do not and cannot control them. I am just letting go and drinking faith.
Do you want to join me?